DWTS: Ya gotta have PERSONALITY!

RESULTS SHOW UPDATE: Kim K., you will not be missed. I must say that I will miss the adorable Mark Ballas, who was so sweet about leaving his dad on the show--"He inspires me so much. He's my hero, and I'm so honored to share the stage with him. Keep voting for him!" Breathe in love, exhale hate.

What makes me want to watch the earnest Maurice Green more than the judges darling Brooke Burke? Personality. If it weren't for those little practice packages with their cheesy educational visits and worst mess-ups, I wouldn't have a clue who to root for on this show. But because I saw Rocco DiSpirito cook Karina a risotto and work his cute little booty off in practice, I voted for him. Brooke Burke's personality is coming off kind of mweh to me, so I'm not so into her. Misty May seemed like she hit rock-bottom with Maks' demanding teaching technique, saying she wanted to cry (Seriously? That would be like seeing Xena cry.), but then that killer paso made it all seem worth it. Except for that deer-in-headlights look she was doing the whole time.

Other notes:

Did it look to anyone else like Cody Linley was basically just taking long, slow strides toward Julianne while she twirled and whirled like a perky little dervish? How was that better than Rocco's rumba?

Lance kissed a girl. Probably the grossest TV kiss I've ever seen--trying to create the appearance of passion, but just looked slobbery. And P.S., I'm no Len, but that did NOT look like a paso to me. Maybe just because there was no skirt or cape swirling or foot-stomping though.

Warren in the Matrix-style paso? Freakin' awesome! Did you see how quick his big ol' feet moved when the beat sped up? Amazing! Although I was afraid he had squashed Kym like a bug for a second at the end when he messed up on his drop move.

And Kim, ohhhhh Kim. How do I despise your presence on this show...Let me count the ways:

Mark: "Didn't you dance with the Pussycat Dolls?"

Kim: "I hosted; I didn't dance with them!"

Cut to a picture of Kim on the Pussycat Doll stage NOT holding a microphone, dressed in full-on skankwear, and Kim VO: "I recently performed with the Pussycat Dolls."

Okay, she lies.

She's the only person I've ever seen on this show who actually wears MORE make-up in practice than she does while performing.

Totally blank stare the whole time she's doing what is supposed to be the sexiest dance of them all.

So please keep her on, America: She wants to keep dressing up.

P.S. I don't want to hear anyone saying she has no performance experience. Honestly, that's no excuse! Look at Rocco, Maurice, Warren, and Misty May, all of whom maybe don't perform a song like the entertainers do, but who put their hearts and souls into their dances! It's about putting yourself out there and connecting with the audience by revealing yourself, and she's holding herself away and above the audience and her adorable partner Mark, which ticks me off.

Deep breath. I'm done now. Thank you.

The Office: My wishes all granted!

Ha! I just read my last post and realized I got ALL of the things I asked for from the season premiere! The return of Dwangela, although a little too down and dirty for me, Michael in a slightly deflated sumo suit (got that one from the previews; loved "I sit, I sit, I sit on you!"), a surprisingly soon proposal (yay, no dragging it out, Friends-style!), and a delightful dash of Darrell ("Y'all lost four pounds. Maybe we should have a parade.").

Lissa reminded me of one of the funniest parts that I MUST mention: Andy's Angela-ela-ela, to the tune of summer's most overplayed song "Umbrella." Hilario (a Kyle word).

Also, I must give a shout-out to Emily and Elizabeth, neither of whom I have met in person, but with whom I now share the bond of DWTS. Your comments delight me and make me feel more sane!

Kim K does not deserve DWTS!

I'm still so ticked that "Mambo McGinley" got the boot over Miss Priss. Seriously, as much as I love Mark Ballas' crazy facial expressions, I would much rather watch Ted McGinley be funny and gracious and surprised at how much he enjoys this than Kim K prance around. To quote Dwight about the new HR person Holly, "She's just so awful in her stupidness."

The Office season premiere tonight! I'm hoping for the return of Dwangela, Michael in a fat suit leading some awkward meeting, and of course, the engagement of Jim and Pam! I would also like a dash of Darrell, please!

Sorry my posts have been so TV-related lately. This is an exciting time of year for me! Just be glad I haven't been posting my rants on America's Got Talent or musings on Ugly Betty.

DWTS Elimination

Whoever thought of this two-hour long elimination show in which no one knows when or if they're dancing should be made to endure the same. You practice so hard, get all made up and dressed up, and then have to sweat it out in the spotlight for two hours? Terrible!

Even so, Kim Kardashian had NO EXCUSE for that ridiculous performance. She got to dance to "Baby Got Back" with that ghetto booty of hers, and she couldn't even pop that thing out when Mark Ballas was twirling her booty fringes. That was the prissiest mambo I have ever seen.

Other thoughts:

Maks is awesome for making Misty May look so awesome. His daring choreography and hard-core training paid off! Where did those hips come from?

Rocco is so cute! But Karina's mini-Big Bird outfit was not doing it for me.

Cloris Leachman may be an old lady, but she is a nasty pottymouth! Did you see her grab Corky's crotch? Gross!

Warren Sapp and Maurice Green are so equally lovable and fun to watch, I can't decide which bald black athlete I like better!

And last but not least, is it just me, or is Susan Lucci's head way too big for her body? That's why she looks so fragile; she has to keep her head balanced just right to keep from tipping over!

Thoughts?

Claire blowing on her food. Really, I recorded this. And then posted it.

Surprise DWTS Faves!

First, a picture of Claire to satisfy all you Claire-a-holics. She loves fruit! And she can climb the kitchen chairs so fast--you can see she can get up there and take bites out of three pieces of fruit before I even know where she is!

And now, for the show that makes me smile and talk to myself. Now I can talk to all you guys, though!

There's something so uplifting about watching people try something they've never tried before that is shockingly hard, and then watch them get frustrated, laugh at themselves, doubt themselves, and then go out on the dance floor and look like a million bucks! Maye it's just the spray tan, picture-perfect make-up, swirly-whirly outfits, and wild camera swings and switches, but I think everyone does amazing considering they've only done this for a few weeks!

There are a lot of stars to choose from this season, so to keep it all straight, I actually took notes tonight! Jay saw it, and shouted, "You are so lame!" so loudly that he actually woke Claire up! Geez, the things I do for you blog-readers!

On to the surprises in the lineup! I had never heard of Ted McGinley or Warren Sapp, and in fact I didn't even give them bios in my preview post for this season, so unenthused was I about their participation! However, in accordance with my usual personality-over-skills method of selecting my favorites, they're two of my faves!

I love how Ted McGinley dedicated his dance to the everyman who is sitting at home wanting to watch football but forced to watch DWTS, and then after his dance was over, he says, "And look at me: I'm surrounded by beautiful women, I feel like James Bond, and I'm having the time of my life." I just love it when people are surprised at how much they enjoy doing the show, I think because it's how I feel every time I realize how excited I am about watching it!

And Warren Sapp: Wow, he makes Kym look like a child! That man is a huge, lovable teddy bear! Did you see the clips of his "sack dance" that he does after sacking a quarterback? I love it when those huge football players bust out some silly moves out when they do something good. And then my favorite song of the night, "This will be the one I've waited for..." came on, and that dude busted out some shimmies and shakes that I have not seen since Emmett Smith! And really, it's not just that he moves well for a big guy; he moved better than any of the other men, I thought! I judge this by the fact that I could not stop grinning or saying, "Look at him, Jay," the whole time he was dancing. Did you see his reaction to his score of 21? Eyes pop open, bellow into the mic, "BLACKJACK!" Then the horribly inane Samantha makes some weird transition/joke about gambling with the next dance, and he said with a poker-face, "No, no gambling. No gambling."

If I had to say I was rooting for any female contestant at this point, it would be Misty May, and really, let's be honest. The primary reason for that is Maks. Oh, Maks! How I missed your smug knowledge that you are the best dancer EVER, your pushy little remarks in the practice package, and of course, your stubbly chin and man-cleavage. Really, though, didn't Misty look totally slope-shouldered? Geez, where did Len get elegance from that? I will root for you though, Misty, in the hopes that Maks will make a triumphant return, turning you from a hunchback to a dancer with Mel B.'s confidence and moves. (Loved Mel B! I'm sure Tom's booty is feeling a bit neglected since she left!)

Other random comments:

Lance Bass--looked more confident dancing than I have ever seen him! Perhaps it was that his moves while he was in the boy band were always stunted by the invisible closet he was trapped in. But I haven't seen Lance dance that well ever, and I have seen *NSYNC in concert twice, taped almost every television appearance they made during their heyday, and watched their music videos hundreds of times. That's right, folks. I was crazy, crazy, crazy, yeah! over *NSYNC. (And if you got that reference, you were too.)

Brooke Burke--exhibiting classic mommy absent-mindedness when she can't remember the choreography. At first, I was rolling my eyes like, "Models," and then I thought, you know what? She has FOUR KIDS! And abs you could roll out a pie crust on! (although I'm sure she eats very few pies with that flat tummy!) That is all.

Susan Lucci--complete opposite of Erica Kane! She was almost ridiculously self-deprecating and sweet! During judging, her responses were so humble and agreeable--"I know, you're right!" "Okay, thank you!"

Cody Linley distracted by Julianne's hotness--I gotta say in a totally heterosexual way, Julianne IS disarmingly beautiful! I have never been able to watch her partner dance an entire dance; she's so magnetic in the way she moves and acts! I think that's a big reason she's won two titles.

Toni Braxton and Alec--one too many divas in this pair! Although it looks like Toni is a diva in name only, having been humbled by being diagnosed with some heart disease.

Cloris and Corky--Holy moly, was that cleavage legal for primetime TV? ON AN 82-YEAR-OLD WOMAN? She defies criticism though: threw her leg on the table for Bruno, prayed at the altar for Len, and sat on Carrie-Anne's lap? Hilarious. But can Carrie-Anne please turn off her mic when she giggles like a ninny continuously like that?

Edyta and who-cares, he's leaving this week--She had to take the fall with a dud partner again. Oh well, she got Jason Taylor (ahhhh...remember the freestyle dance to "Miami" when he wore a white tank? Good times.) I love how she tries to disguise her partner's horribleness by wearing a sequined bikini with leg-warmers taken to a totally different place--sheer A-line? What the heck, Edyta? I don't care, you're awesome. But I'm sorry, in reference to your claim that you always make your partners look good, how do your bikini and windmill leg moves make your partner look good? That's all you, babe.

Kim and Mark--All I've got to say is Mark, you're awesome for rocking the hot pink blazer. Mark is the king of monochromatic technicolor outfits, so I'm a bit surprised he didn't go for hot pink pants as well. Remember when he wore a flowy lavendar shirt, pants, and shoes last season with Kristi? Memories... And Kim? You're right up there with Kimmy Gibbler in making me ashamed of my name. I have nothing more to say about you.

Rocco and Karina--I've got a soft spot for Karina the drama queen--remember when she had to excuse herself from a practice session with the undeniably awful Billy Ray Cyrus to cry in the bathroom? I hope Rocco gets better, because he's got a great attitude and is pretty adorable.

If anyone is still reading, know that I love you and I would delight in reading any of your thoughts on tonight's premiere in the comments.

In Annoyed Memory...

Ranger S. Mauck is no longer with us, I'm sure many of you are relieved to hear. Those of you who visited our house no doubt remember his slobbery welcomes, his trying to shove his way in the door before you, and back in his fenced days, high-pitched whining and scratching at the back door when any conversation occurs.

Let us take a listen to Ranger's Greatest Hits (WARNING: some of this is quite graphic, so be warned if you have a sensitive gag reflex that it could be activated.):

Puppy: wets on the carpet copiously, eats a bunny and pukes most of it up on our carpet.

Young dog: Eats an entire bag of Halloween chocolate, wrappers included, and appears none the worse for it. Chews up at least three books, two of which belonged to the library. Pulled a 24-pack of TP off the kitchen table and mangled half the rolls beyond use. We put him outside permanently.

Grown dog: Chases many cows and a few horses. Is shot by an angry livestock owner, but looks like he'd been hit by a car. The vet removed the bullet and said he was lucky to be alive.

Angry neighbor visits to tell us Ranger has cornered his nine-year-old daughter.

We built a fence.

Peed on Pa-in-law's leg for no apparent reason. Those jeans bear permanent bleach marks.

Diagnosed with terminal mouth cancer. Recovers with no treatment, other than a couple cans of wet dog food.

Shook my mom's cat in his mouth; she later died from injuries. (I was pregnant, the only way he didn't kill the cat right then was that my 100-pound sister wrestled the dog to the ground. She had him in a headlock while the foreign exchange student threw the cat in the house. Highly traumatic for all involved. Except Ranger.)

No more car rides to Mom's house for Ranger.

Figures out how to jump the five-foot gate. Jay nails a bunch of spare wood around the gate, making it six feet high. Ranger jumps it.

Chases many more cows and horses.

Killed three chickens; went for a rooster.

Timely death.

P.S. The snake is still in our freezer. He is becoming almost as annoying as Ranger. I think I shall name him Tonto.

Snake update

Just to let you all know, the rattlesnake is STILL in our freezer! I could've sworn it rattled at me when I had to move it to search for hamburger meat the other night. Hub's going to get it served to him for dinner one of these nights if it's not gone SOON!

Snake!

Holy cow, did I get the scare of my life yesterday! We went out to Dave's house on the lake (can't be too specific; gotta guard the location of Hub's honey hole) to grill some steaks and go fishin' on Labor Day. Claire and I were out on this balcony over a rocky bluff, when I heard this rattling noise to my left and looked down to see a snake's head angled up at us only about five feet from my flip-flop-clad feet. (I was holding Claire, thank goodness!) Well, that rattlesnake found out he rattled at the wrong gals! That's right, this rattler actually rattled all THIRTEEN of its rattles at Claire and me before I jumped about ten feet in the air--backwards--and squealed like a stuck pig. The men ran for a gun, of course, and eventually shot that thing dead! Whoa; pretty scary!

I'm not too pleased to report that this snake is actually in our freezer right now! That's right, double-bagged right on top of a frozen pizza. Jay's going to see about having it mounted for Dave's house. Boys and their trophies...

Labor Day weekend (so far)

We had a great weekend with family! We won't talk about Friday, because that was the night Jay got called in to work at the Burger Shoppe at 7 p.m. when I was already dressed and made-up to go eat dinner! It's never good when Hub calls while you're in the middle of applying mascara and says, "Babe, you're going to be mad at me." I tried my best to be understanding, though.

Anyway, Saturday, Claire and I went to Coleman to spend time with Dani Rose and baby Molly, along with my other pregnant cousins, Dave and his wife Liz. Also all the usual Coleman Pannells. Good food and family time and an OU game that wasn't much of a game!

Sunday, Jay gave the lesson at Coleman, so we went back out there for church, lunch, and a little swimming (that's the pic)! Jay did a great job btw, but he was so nervous! He hasn't preached in a long time.

In Claire news, her Elmo addiction is starting to become ridiculous! She has learned how to turn on the TV using the remote, and loves to turn it on and request "Eh-mo?" She likes Sesame Street okay, but she really doesn't have much patience for it unless Elmo is on. Then she's pretty much transfixed.