In Annoyed Memory...

Ranger S. Mauck is no longer with us, I'm sure many of you are relieved to hear. Those of you who visited our house no doubt remember his slobbery welcomes, his trying to shove his way in the door before you, and back in his fenced days, high-pitched whining and scratching at the back door when any conversation occurs.

Let us take a listen to Ranger's Greatest Hits (WARNING: some of this is quite graphic, so be warned if you have a sensitive gag reflex that it could be activated.):

Puppy: wets on the carpet copiously, eats a bunny and pukes most of it up on our carpet.

Young dog: Eats an entire bag of Halloween chocolate, wrappers included, and appears none the worse for it. Chews up at least three books, two of which belonged to the library. Pulled a 24-pack of TP off the kitchen table and mangled half the rolls beyond use. We put him outside permanently.

Grown dog: Chases many cows and a few horses. Is shot by an angry livestock owner, but looks like he'd been hit by a car. The vet removed the bullet and said he was lucky to be alive.

Angry neighbor visits to tell us Ranger has cornered his nine-year-old daughter.

We built a fence.

Peed on Pa-in-law's leg for no apparent reason. Those jeans bear permanent bleach marks.

Diagnosed with terminal mouth cancer. Recovers with no treatment, other than a couple cans of wet dog food.

Shook my mom's cat in his mouth; she later died from injuries. (I was pregnant, the only way he didn't kill the cat right then was that my 100-pound sister wrestled the dog to the ground. She had him in a headlock while the foreign exchange student threw the cat in the house. Highly traumatic for all involved. Except Ranger.)

No more car rides to Mom's house for Ranger.

Figures out how to jump the five-foot gate. Jay nails a bunch of spare wood around the gate, making it six feet high. Ranger jumps it.

Chases many more cows and horses.

Killed three chickens; went for a rooster.

Timely death.

P.S. The snake is still in our freezer. He is becoming almost as annoying as Ranger. I think I shall name him Tonto.

What a spring break...

I just realized this is the first spring break for me in I don't know how many years that I haven't gone anywhere...as I was huffing and puffing across weed-covered uneven terrain carrying a stinky, wet, dirty Westie today in the gray mist, that point hit home very hard.

Believe me when I say that walking two dogs that belong to you and two that don't on a country road dotted with fences they're not supposed to cross, horse manure piles they're not supposed to roll in, roads they're not supposed to cross, workers they're not supposed to bother, ponds they're not supposed to jump in, horses and cows they're not supposed to chase, a dog corpse they're not supposed to sniff in morbid curiosity, and a poor defenseless puppy they're not supposed to attack, in the aforementioned wet conditions, while so pregnant that a 10-minute walk fatigues you, is NOT a good idea.

Lucy was so covered in horse manure I didn't want to grab her (except i finally did when she came close enough), Ranger exhibited the worst behavior I've ever seen, while the aforementioned workers and one very helpful driving-by neighbor, looked on, and even Shadow--the good boy!--chased cows, all while Amiga, the local wandering dog, darted around and added to the chaos. By the time I got them all inside the fence again (even Amiga for a short time--she's fast!), all I could do was collapse into a chair on the porch and breathe. Three hours later, these dogs are still in the doghouse with me.